Are You Nintendo?

[GuruSharky]

Amusing article that I found on Aussie-Nintendo that I wanted to share with you guys.

I've been obligated to write this article out of sheer obligation. The thousands and thousands of confused internet goers seem to all be asking me the golden question: "Help me Boon, I think I've actually become Nintendo! It's like there's thousands of people working for me and I'm distributing video game related items all over the world! P.S - I've attached a photo of myself pretending to be in a centrefold photoshoot for you. xoxoxo!' and frankly, I'm tired of answering it (but I appreciate the wonderful imagery, keep 'em coming ladies!). I'm like Doctor Mario, except instead of destroying comical viruses with pills that are way out of proportion, I ask you five questions that you answer, and give you a faulty diagnosis based on these results.

1) Are you innovating the gaming world?
People, please, this is very important. Nintendo reinvigorated their image as innovators in the gaming world since the release of the Dual Screen way back in 2005. It had two screens (with one being a touch screen), was a bit more powerful than the Nintendo 64, and bridged the gap between the 'casual' crowd and the 'hardcore' mob with games such as Nintendogs and Dr. Kawashima's Brain Training. Was it you that did the innovation? If so, continue so we can ensure whether or not you are Nintendo. Near the end of 2006, the Wii was introduced to the world, which boasted a motion sensing controller, and, well, that's about it. If you still believe you are innovating the gaming world, I must say that you're quite the adamant person. In case you have 'innovating' confused with 'decorating', please contact your local psychologist.



Decorating....innovating...which one am I doing to my video games? Screw it, innovating it is!

2) Have you dropped the price of your system hardware?
I can't stress how important this symptom is. If you find that your competitors are offering products in the same market as you, and you also find that their product's prices are dropping faster than celebrities, than there's a strong chance you may be Nintendo. Introduced to Australia on December 5th, the Wii was priced at a recommended retail price of $400. Two and a half years on, the Wii's price has been slashed a tremendous 0%, and still sells at a RRP of $400. And why would you drop the price when your product is selling like genetically enhanced hotcakes? One reason to drop it is that your technology is well and truly more inexpensive to produce now than what it was in 2006. Another reason is because dropping the price to beat the XBOX 360, which is technologically more advanced than the Wii, would help you build a larger user base. Yet another reason is that it's been two and a half years you greedy jerk. Personally, if you are Nintendo and you are reading this, I hope you accidentally grab a hand towel instead of a proper towel next time you shower.



RUB YOUR SUCCESS INTO MY FACE, WILL YOU!? I AM SO MAD I COULD CRY

3) Do you enjoy making unnecessary upgrades to your products?
Nintendo has a long history of upgrading their products and then unleashing them back to the world. Whether it was the top-loader NES, the GameBoy Pocket/Colour, the SNES that could dispense Pez candy or the N64 that transformed into a second-placed console in terms of sales, Nintendo is renowned for their revisions of their products. Consumers would sometimes hold off on buying a console because they think Nintendo's sexy new version would be released in a year or two. Release your product in white/grey/black and then re-release it with a plethora of joy inducing colours; it has been the order of the day for Nintendo. If you find yourself sometimes making unnecessary upgrades to your home products, like adding Braille to your TV remote, then you very well could be Nintendo. In the hand held console department, we've seen the Nintendo DS under go many transformations, first becoming the DS Lite, then the DSi, and soon the DSyourFormerGamesAreNoLongerCompatible.




"Hey everybody, we got this new DS Lite coming out! It's less bulky, beautiful, brighter, and the battery lasts longer."
"Hooray!"
"While we're at it, we're going to make the hinges a bit less sturdier, and shorten those pesky shoulder buttons"
"Well, I guess that's worth it for the upgra-"
"AND THEN we're coming out with a DSi!"
"I just wet myself in excitement!"
"Boasting bigger screens, an all new 0.3 mega pixel camera, a smaller battery charge, the ability to use SD cards, and a complete removal of the GBA slot required for games such as Guitar Hero, the DSi is truly the next evolution for the DS"
"I don't think that removing features is exactly an evolution, but woo! A camera!"
"It'll be provided at a recommended retail price of $299, $100 more than a brand spanking new DS Lite"
"GODAMMIT!"

4) Do you take three years to deliver on a promise?
I just got word from the Surgeon General of this here Nintenditis awareness clinic. It reads: "Nintendo originally promised this but have only just delivered. 'We'll make a motion console but we'll just pretend its got motion control while we spend two years inventing a cheap enough version of it, THEN we can make people re-buy our sports game with it!' Talk about Motion Plus." And you know what they say about surgeon generals -- if you don't do what they say they'll kick you off the editorial team.





The Wii Motion Plus was first unleashed on the world with Tiger Woods PGA Tour '10 and Grand Slam Tennis, with Wii Sports Resort joining the list of games bundled with the peripheral a few weeks later. The Wii Motion Plus adds extra motion sensing capability to the Wii Remote. How much extra? About as much as we expected the Wii to have when it was launched. While the motion controls have now benefited greatly, where was this in the beginning? If they didn't have the technology in the beginning, which is what Nintendo uses an excuse for the sloppier motion sensing of the Wii Remote, why did they tell us that they did? It's like if you promise your girl/boy friend that you're medically in the clear, and then she finds out she caught a disease from you, and three years later a cure for it comes out and you're like 'see baby, I told you it was fine to do it!' It's not cool, it just shows the jerk-ness of your previous actions.

5) Are there legions of fans in the world who do absurd things as tributes and dedication towards you?
Do you find people getting tattoos of your consoles on their body? Do you find people commonly reproduce your musical work? Do you find things in general? Because I seriously can't locate the TV remote anywhere. If you were Nintendo, you'd find whole shrines dedicated to your life's work, various baked goods decorated to imitate characters you designed, and a whole lot of unspeakable horrors that cause nightmares. Your fans simply adore you and are willing to do anything for you. That includes losing their last life due to water intoxication, remaking your games to create a stressful experience, and inducing hilarious speeches by depriving them of sleep for five days with sheer excitement. If they're awake for four days, it doesn't count, you impostor.


And let's not forget the live action re-enactments!

Find out how many of the questions above you've answered 'Yes' to, and score yourself out of a total of five.
5/5 - You are Nintendo. There is no spoon cure. Say hi to your Miyamoto for me!
4/5 - You have a case of Nintenditis, an inflammation of the Nintendroidal complex of the brain. I suggest you lay off the mushrooms dude.
3/5 - You seem to have Nintendown's Syndrome, a condition that can later develop a case of Nintenditis. As those who suffer Nintenditis get all the sweet, sweet prescribed drugs they want, I'd recommend you socialise with the Nintenditis sufferers and try to inflame that brain.
2/5 - You actually don't seem to be Nintendo, but I'd recommend you visit your doctor and get checked for 'innovation aggravation', which is a swelling of the Creativity Glands.
1/5 - You might have a minor irritation of the Fils Aimawata node, but that'll clear up in a few days.
0/5 - You're simply human. Disgusting.

I hope I've helped you all in finding out whether any of you are Nintendo or not. I also hope that the 200+ E-mails I get on the subject everyday dwindle. Although this is a very comedic article with no real factual value, I still stand by the idea that Nintendo's got a lot of flaws this generation (The Wii has no Ethernet cable port, can't output in high definition, has a retarded method of storage and uses out-dated technology, for example. The DS is being upgraded and losing functionality). Somehow, these flaws made Nintendo's products more appetising, and making video games appetising was just what the video game world needed at the time. It's good to see that Nintendo's branching out with the Wii and DS while doing new things, but it shouldn't come at such ridiculous prices. Hopefully Nintendo has a technological marvel that stands with the competitors in the next generation. As Sony and Microsoft now know there's a whole different ball game, Nintendo's going to have to renovate the court for us to enjoy ourselves on, as Sony and Microsoft are going to be spinning balls very similar to the Big N and the spectators aren't going to know quite which basketball team to support (Side note: I've just been nominated for worst metaphor of the year). As demonstrated above, Nintendo's got some of the best fans any company could ever hope for, and it'd be a shame to lose some of them due to stupid decisions.

Source - Nintenditis? Five Ways To Ensure You Are Not Nintendo. - Features - Aussie-Nintendo.com

feel free to give rep

[Bounty]

...
I need to get that metroid wii bundle!

[Skork]

Originally Posted by Riku

... I need to get that metroid wii bundle!

I second that. It's so friggin awesome!

[GuruSharky]

Originally Posted by Riku

... I need to get that metroid wii bundle!

I do agree, that has got to be the coolest Wii I have ever seen.

[Username]

5/5
"I am Nintendo"
(10,000 cool points to whoever can guess which word I switched out for Nintendom )