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The Graveyard Just sand, dust n' bones here. All the dead await...

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Old 03-14-2008, 10:15 PM   #1 (permalink)
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What do you think of this?

I entered a poetry contest for the Midwest region. I have a little something made up but I need some opinions. Go ahead & be critical.
The dream key

I've looked everywhere on Earth
The Pacific to the Atlantic
South Pole to North Pole
East to West
Asking everyone in sight
Everybody said the same old thing
"I don't have it"
Then when I was about to give up
I realized something
I had the key
Only I had the key to my dreams
Noone else could have it
Noone else will ever have it
Only I could choose my dreams
I chose which dreams to live
I made my own dreams
Noone else could unlock them
Only I
Only I had the key

Well...
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Why do people have quotes of other people? Quoting yourself is fun!

Last edited by CountryWiiBoy13; 03-15-2008 at 11:43 AM.
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Old 03-14-2008, 10:31 PM   #2 (permalink)
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It's unoriginal. It's repetitive. It's dull. Try again.
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Old 03-14-2008, 10:57 PM   #3 (permalink)
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It's unoriginal. It's repetitive. It's dull. Try again.
I think it was good. What are you talking about? it wasn't repetitive.
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Old 03-14-2008, 11:43 PM   #4 (permalink)
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very unoriginal, i've heard the exact same thing like 3 times. too wordy, and you could use some more line breaks. the "key to dreams" theme/metaphor was good, but might want to add more similes and personification.
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Old 03-15-2008, 09:13 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I guess I should explain myself more clearly.

When you mentioned "Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean," you should have just written "Pacific to the Atlantic," to be less repetitive. The reader is going to know that you are obviously talking about oceans. And you really stressed that you were the only one who had your "key." That's pretty much all you've said. I like the concept, but please, try to stand out a little more. Write about something else, like what makes your dreams special or how you realized you found the key.
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Old 03-15-2008, 11:45 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Thanks guys. I've replaced some things. See what u think of the updated version. Hope it's better.
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Why do people have quotes of other people? Quoting yourself is fun!
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Old 03-15-2008, 05:08 PM   #7 (permalink)
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It's not any better. You "asked everyone," and they replied, "I don't have it." Wooo, that's pretty exciting.

I just told you it was repetitive. It really hasn't changed at all.

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Originally Posted by CountryWiiBoy
South Pole to North Pole

...

I had the key
Only I had the key to my dreams
Noone else could have it
Noone else will ever have it
Only I could choose my dreams
I chose which dreams to live
I made my own dreams
Noone else could unlock them
Only I
Only I had the key
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Old 03-18-2008, 07:31 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I don't know if it matters, but you have a spelling error. It's no one, not noone. Other than that, it was pretty good.
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Old 03-18-2008, 08:15 PM   #9 (permalink)
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It's not any better. You "asked everyone," and they replied, "I don't have it." Wooo, that's pretty exciting.

I just told you it was repetitive. It really hasn't changed at all.
Don't be so harsh. if at first you don't sucseed, TRY AGAIN
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